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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Featured Musician: The Jonas Brothers

His visage described great discountenance.

As Vortex continued stabbing relentlessly at the voodoo replicas of the infamously famous pop trio from the company of a fallen man now in cryogenic stasis - all in the hopes of saving the beloved genre of the underground music community - his efforts were in vain however, for there is nothing to stop the impending musical revolution that is to come. 

"Stop it!" Laiho snapped.

With a frown caressing his brows interminably these days, Laiho looks undoubtedly tired, tired from trying to battle this unstoppable force known as the Jonas Brothers Mania. 

"It's pointless you fucker! Save your energy for better things, like spreading your black metal thingamajig around... ... and I am trying to think of a better way of killing those afro fags, so I will need some SILENCE." Laiho snarled. 

"Whimper" Vortex.

"But but but Laiho sir! Thy unholy god has blessed thou with a vision that voodoo dolls are the way to go about in doing exactly that! He said that it will work if I embedded a strand of their hairs in the dolls!" Vortex cowered. 

"And since when have you done that yet you long-haired, gothic clown?" Laiho glared down Vortex.

"Oh.... right." Vortex scratched his head with his overly-black nails. 

"Heh, I guess this is what happens when you use up too mucha ya grey matter up there trying to think up friggin' complicated, smart-ass three word album names, eh?" Slash butted in.

"Oh shut your gaping hole you ninny, do you have any bright idea on how to prevent the oncoming epidemic?" Laiho sighed.

"Well... yeah. Ah'f got one or two bright ideas here. How 'bout we thrash them in a guitar duel >:D" Slash laughed.

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you." Dimebag chimed in.

"?!?!?!?!?!" Laiho.

 Praise ye above~ Ye heavenly Ghost..." Vortex quivered.

"Ah, unless ahm seeing things here 'cos of me boozing too much last night, ain't this the dead Dimebag Darrel right in front of me?" Slash squinted at the ghastly apparition through his curtain of locks.

"Right you are." Dimebag said.

"Holy shit, this is freaky. Now I know what I'm gonna name my next kick-ass album with CoB... The Lazy Reaper!!" Laiho smirked.

"No you don't. No wonder people say you are just about as creative as AC/DC when it comes to naming stuff, Alexi. Anyway... give it up people. This trio are d-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s. I mean they are not even human I reckon! Ol' Cliff Burton down there, told me that he tried killing 'em in their sleep one night, but guess what? They looked him in his ghostly eyes, and fucking told 'im to tell them that he loves them and to comfort them that everything would be alright!" Dimebag exclaimed. 

"... Father~ Son~ and ho-oh-ly Ghost. Ah-men~" Vortex continued his worshipping. 

"Man, that IS freaky." Slash said.

"Wow, they are the gayest fags I have ever seen then." Laiho said with a green face, looking as if he wanted to throw up.

The television suddenly flicked on.

Suddenly, a cacophony of ear-bleeding tunes burst out of the speakers. 

"Holy fuck! Its the Jonas Brothers 3D movie! Run for it!" Dimebag screamed, and promptly went right back to hell. 

"Argh!!!!!" Vortex shrieked, running out of the door and towards Sunday school... for the first time ever. 

"Man, I didn't know there was anyone that could sound worst than that dickwad Rose." Slash grimaced, and took off on his bike.

"This is insane. I think I have to get some help from Detroit Metal City..." Laiho growled.

A few decades later, metal has since completely disappeared from the world of music. Not leaving a single trace of itself behind, the Jonas Brothers took advantage of the situation and conquered the world, defeating even the last superpower in the world, the USA, by annihilating her troops completely with their brain haemorrhage-ing tunes. And thus, it was inscribed in the annals of music history that metal was finally defeated by pop.


Happy April's Fool!

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